Thank you for joining me today, or tonight which ever the case may be. I would like to take you, if I may, on a strange journey. A journey, which shall probe the depths of the candy industry, and the candy it makes.
And here we observe the unassuming "Tootsie Roll." What is this strange substance? Where did it come from? And why is it among the last of the candies left in my Halloween candy bag every year? Through an extensive investigation, I hope to learn the answers to these questions, and more.
What is the Tootsie Roll exactly? According to our research scientists, apparently it is sugar, corn syrup, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, condensed skim milk, cocoa, whey, soy lecithin, and artificial and natural flavors. Who could have come up with such a strange mixture? And what exactly were they trying to make? It seems, that a very bored, or intoxicated, or both, individual from Chicago came up with the mixture itself. Which leaves us to wonder, why Chicago? Perhaps, there is some hidden meaning; however, lack of funding has prevented any attempt to probe this foreign and unknown city.
But, perhaps the most important question that should be asked is, why is the Tootsie Roll one of the last candies to be eaten from one's Halloween bag? Many suggestions have been made. Perhaps, it is the unattractive wrapping. Why brown, red, and white? These colors do not work well together, and might even deter one from eating the candy inside. However, these colors and the font used on the warping has made the Tootsie Roll highly recognizable. Another possibility is it's commonness. Tootsie Rolls can be found in abundance all over the US However, due to popular opinion, the true reason for the prolonged shelf life of the Tootsie Roll is it's taste. Though it is not entirely unpleasant, it is not fruity or chocolately, but rather it posses it's own truly unique taste, and it has been proven, many times over that uniqueness is highly disapproved of in the US Lack of funding has also prevented further exploration on this topic in areas outside of the
However, in an apparent attempt to "refresh" the Tootsie Roll market, the Tootsie Roll Co. has established a variety of sizes and even flavors which the Tootsie Roll is now available in. The most common of these varieties are the super mighty, the mighty, the super-mini-mighty, the mini-mighty, and the Toosie Roll Lollipop.
The history of the Tootsie Roll is almost entirely unknown to us, but what we don't know, we can always make up. We do know however, that the Tootsie Roll has firmly established itself in American culture, and for many years to come trick - or - treaters can expect many of these little "treats" in their candy bags. Which doesn't change the fact that it still tastes pretty nasty.