Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for 5 minutes. Afterwards keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash your room when your roommates not around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk!" and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much Beavis and Butthead. Do it again. Tell him/her that
your not sorry because this time they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before going o bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are
in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every thursday, pack up everything that you own and tell your
roommate that you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no
one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh my God! Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed.
If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading!"
Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the
same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of
the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up
for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately
take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her. He/She won't be here much
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come and visit
you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day,
miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Ooh,
are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of it. If
your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say that you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start
walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you are going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your
roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its
feelings. Watch t.v. with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the t.v. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about
the bad reception.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of the window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside the window and
lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your
roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.
Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain
to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you
feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate
to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then, stay out of the room entirely, opening the
door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry.
It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are
calling him/her Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm
sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if
he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the
empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go back to
bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting. After you hang up, say, "That
was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay guys,
you can come out now!"
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with
Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your
roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them.
Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off
the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun
while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that
the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are
alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that
you have won by forfeit and therefore have conquered his side of the room.
Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor)
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim
that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your
roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that
he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about
it, tell him/her that you traded it for magic beans. Give some beans to
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for awhile, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops
on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of
the week, report the someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find
one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh
wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed.
If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box
with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with
When you walk into the room, look at the roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh you're here!" Walk away yelling and muttering angrily.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide.
Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it
again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on
the mug for about ten minutes. Then look at your roommate, immediately
put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble,
"Stupid road runner....."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know
what you did," and "Don't think that you can fool me."
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you want to
have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate
walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to
the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing
your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act
like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms
that they're stupid and they don't know what they are talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome
to McDonald's, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat,
sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her
that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she complains about it, go on a
tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had
good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used
to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe..."