1. Talk really fast.
2. Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets
static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear
them over the static.
3. Make up your own language. Speak it.
4. Hang up.
5. Make up a one word language. Speak it.
6. Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have
7. If they say "Yes" to number 6 say, "Please state the nature of
the emergency." Then insist that their emergency isn't an
emergency. Hang up.
8. If they say "No" to number 6 say, "I'm sorry but this line is
for emergencies only." Hang up.
9. Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
10. Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the
telemarketer to release the hostages.
11. Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a
12. Pretend that your phone line is an automatic phone sex line.
13. Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You
better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "
14. Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.
15. Claim to be the mafia.
16. Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."
17. Say something that Moe would say to Bart after Bart makes a
18. Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper
19. Ask the telemarketer to find your friend Mike last name
Rotch. Claim you will only buy a subscription from them.
20. Say, "Oh no! It's the Feds! They're on to us!"
21. Claim to be the FBI. Say, "This is the Federal Bureau of
Investigation. How may I help you?"
22. Dial *69. Wait about a minute and say, "Damn unreliable
23. Speak a foreign language.
24. If you do # 24 and the telemarketer gets a person who speaks
the language you used, speak another language, use a made up
language, or say that you were speaking English the whole time.
25. Pretend that the telemarketer is your husband/wife or
boyfriend/girlfriend. Talk sexually, making references to what
you are going to do to him/her later tonight. When you "realize"
that you are not speaking to your
husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend yell, "Pervert!" Slam the phone
down to hang up.
26. Say, "Help! I'm being robbed! He's got a gun!"
27. Communicate only through Morse code.
28. Talk to the telemarketer. During the conversation dial the
phone, and ask for Bill. Do this repeatedly.
29. Try to sell the telemarketer something.
30. Act drunk.
31. Turn on your shower. Say that you are on a portable phone
and are really late for an important meeting. Scream as though
you were electrocuted.
32. Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is
a strong scent of bacon over the phone.
33. Ask if he/she has been to Australia. Regardless of his/her
answer ask if you can buy a boomerang and didgeridoo.
34. If he/she says "No" to #36 insist that he/she buy yours.
35. If he/she says "Yes" to #36 ask if he/she will take a strange
36. Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like,
"They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!"
After saying one of these mutter incoherently.
37. Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy
because you couldn't see him/her dance.
38. Make him/her sing to get a sale.
39. If a male sings for #41, claim that he sounds like Brittany
40. If a female sings for #41, claim that she sounds like Barry
41. Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."
42. Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an
extremely boring subject.
43. Say nothing until he/she hangs up.
44. Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then
45. Keep crackers near the phone. When a telemarketer calls eat
the crackers. Chew loudly, make slurping noises, and talk with
your mouth full. If you want pretend that you are choking.
46. After he/she hangs up, use *69 or Caller ID to get the phone
number. Call the telemarketer.
47. Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim
that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to
48. If he/she is selling a newspaper or magazine, go on and on
about how great another newspaper/magazine is.
49. Pretend you are a telemarketer from a rival company. Get
him/her to buy your product.
50. Say, "Yes" immediately to whatever they are selling and hang
up immediately afterwards.