Dirty Jokes
The Beverly HillBobbits

Come to listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little whacker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
....Penis, that is
....Clean cut.
....Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
....Curve, that is.
....tossed the nub.
....In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there."
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
....Found, that is.
....By a fence.
....Evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for to long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.
....Whizzed, that is.
....Straight stream.
....Even seam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
....Video, that is.
...Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?!?!?!


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: 'What's that?'

Lady 2: 'A condom.'

Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'

Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely, but politely asks what brand
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

The druggist fainted.

IN THE BEDROOM

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed
more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I feltyou move


TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together
the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my  back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.


This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never
had the courage.  Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at
home and musters up the courage to ask her out.  She accepts,
and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.  Friday night, this guy
goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is
coming back.
     Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through
twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he
is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to
cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City
(about a 30 minute ride).  They get to the restaurant, and he excuses
himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.  They enjoy the
rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back
again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a
complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.  After a few minutes, the
rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He
decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table
(discreetly, of course).  Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came
with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).
Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero
immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this
surprise.
    He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to
figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or
(b) start to show stains on the outside.  He quickly pays for dinner and
they leave the restaurant.  Oh, by the way, he is walking like a
cowboy.  On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you
mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?"
he asks.  "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on
the right, women's fashions are on the left.  They split up.  Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the
khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current
outfit, he brings both items to the register.  His eyes are on his date
(still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see
him buying the pants.  He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says
through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40
feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the
pants!" (Eyes trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."  He pays
for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
     They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two
seat in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself
and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.  After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out ...
Just the sweater.

courtesy of Dandy


   Their first Time
       
       It's your first time.  As you lie back your muscles tighten.  You
             put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.  He asks if you're afraid and
            you shake your head bravely.            
             He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger  has found the right place.  He probes deeply and you shiver; your
             body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.  He looks
            deeply within your eyes and tells  you to trust him-- he's done
             this many times before.  His cool smile relaxes you and you open
             wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.  You begin to
             plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting
             to cause you as little pain as possible.  As he presses closer,
            going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges
             throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as
             he continues.  He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
            painful.  Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head
           and nod for him to go on.  He begins moving in and out with skill
             but you are now too numb to feel him within you.  After a few
             frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he
             pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.  He  looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that
             you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
             You smile and thank your dentist.  After all, it was your first
            time to have a tooth pulled.
           
  
    My First Time
               
       The sky was dark
       The moon was high
       All alone
       Just her and I
       Her hair so soft
       Her eyes so blue
       I knew just what
       She wanted to do
       Her skin so soft
       Her legs so fine
       I ran my fingers
       Down her spine
       I didn't know how
       But I tried my best
       To place my hand
       On her breasts
       I remember my fear
       My fast beating heart
       But slowly she spread        
       Her legs apart
       And when she did it
       I felt no shame
       All at once
       The white stuff came
       At last it's finished
       It's all over now
       My first time
       Milking a cow!

    HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW" HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A  G.E.
LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?  IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT." TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT  LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO." "FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX
THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"
     SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE  HOURS.
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.  'HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
     SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT  WAS  WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
    HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

    A  lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed  the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved  to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a grin, so she  moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth  move, the man burst out laughing. She complained
to the driver  and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he  had to say for himself. The man replied:
"Well, your Honor, it  was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help  notice her condition. She sat under an advertising sign that  
said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's  Liniment will reduce the
swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign
that said, "William's  Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control
myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign  
that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"  I laughed
out loud. "CASE DISMISSED" said the Judge.

Last Four Compliments of Malcolm