Matrix Parody

                      By Rod Hilton



A bunch of cops break in and find CARRIEANNE MOSS.
She's dressed in leather, because she is FEMALE in a

                   POLICE OFFICER
         I think we can handle this one little

She jumps up and the shot freezes.  We spin around her
for no real reason except that it looks extremely COOL.  
We feel the sudden urge to buy Khaki pants.  She kicks
all of the ASSES of the cops and runs.  HUGO WEAVING
chases after her.

                   HUGO WEAVING
         I'll get you. That's for syuuuuuuuure.

She gets away.


KEANU REEVES sleeps at his computer, listening to a cool
song that will NOT be on the soundtrack.  His computer
turns itself on.

         Hello Keanu.  Follow the white rabbit.

                   KEANU REEVES

Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door.  Keanu answers

                   KEANU REEVES (cont'd)

         Give me some stuff that I am paying
         you for.  I am so noir.

                   KEANU REEVES
            (handing him the disk)

         Hey, want to come with us to a cool
         dance club whose lighting can increase
         the noirfactor of this movie even

                   KEANU REEVES
         No way.

He sees the GUY'S GIRLFRIEND'S little white rabbit.

                   KEANU REEVES (cont'd)
         Whoa.  Uh.. rock on, dude.

He follows them to the club "technoir."


                   CARRIEANNE MOSS
         I have the answers.  Follow me.

                   KEANU REEVES


LAURENCE FISHBURNE sits in a chair.

                   FILM CRITICS
         This is another one of those stupid
         action movies, isn't it?  I've been
         complaining for years and years how
         action movie plots aren't interesting
         or creative and this will be another

                   KEANU REEVES
         Hey, dude.  What is the Matrix?

LAURENCE proceeds to explain the plot, which is very
CREATIVE and INTERESTING and makes the AUDIENCE think.

                   FILM CRITICS
         I don't understand it.  This movie's
         plot is too contrived and it isn't
         explained well enough.  I hate action
         movies and there's nothing you can do
         to please me, so there! Where are my

LAURENCE begins to train KEANU on how to fight so that
the WACHOWSKI BROTHERS can do the HongKong fight scenes
they've dreamed of.


Cool music plays in the background.  It will also not be
on the soundtrack.  KEANU makes comical motions and gets
into typical martial arts poses.  His lanky body looks
uncomfortable as hell doing this.

                   LAURENCE FISHBURNE
         I will scowl now, as that's what I
         always do.

They train and KEANU learns how to fight well and use his
abilities so that he can kick HUGO WEAVING'S ASS, which
is important because HUGO can move in and out of whoever
he wants so any kungfu fight against him is USELESS.


The gang is being chased into the subway by the evil
HUGO.  KEANU has lost all of the eight trillion guns he
had, but he's still wearing his black trenchcoat and
eight trillion dollar sunglasses, so he's still very BAD
ASS.  The group members need to each pick up the phone one
at a time in order to exit.  LAURENCE exits.  CARRIEANNE
is next.

                   CARRIEANNE MOSS
         I just wanted to take this time to
         tell you something.

                   KEANU REEVES

                   CARRIEANNE MOSS
         I know we're being chased and all...
         by a killing machine... that can
         completely destroy us..

                   KEANU REEVES

                   CARRIEANNE MOSS
         but.. I don't care.  I think now is
         the best time to say something which I
         won't explain.  I was told something
         about my life.  All of it came true
         except one thing.  This one thing.  
         The one thing of which I am currently
         thinking.  This one thing which is so
         vitally important that I had to
         mention it to you while we're being

                   KEANU REEVES

                   CARRIEANNE MOSS
         I can't tell you now, we're being
         chased.  I'll tell you when you get

She leaves and HUGO shoots the phone.

                   HUGO WEAVING
         You weren't going to call with
         1800COLLECT, were you?

                   KEANU REEVES

                   HUGO WEAVING
         Are you ready to fight me?  You seem
         somewhat unsyuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.

They proceed to shoot each other for a bit, then the FAKE
guns run out of FAKE bullets, none of which actually
exist, but they run out anyway because KEANU needs to
show off all the kungfu he trained for before making the

They have a HongKong style fight scene.  Both of them
kick each others asses for about 20 minutes.  KEANU
finally wins!

         HOORAY! GO KEANU!

Suddenly, another HUGO WEAVING steps out of a subway
train door, making the last 20 minutes entirely
pointless, but coollooking nonetheless.

KEANU runs like HELL.


KEANU is about to pick up the phone.  HUGO WEAVING stops

                   HUGO WEAVING
         First, you must prove you believe you
         are the One by kicking the shit out of
         me.  It's a test you must endyuuuuure.

KEANU kicks the SHIT out of HUGO.  He makes him explode
and then gives him the finger and breaks his sunglasses
and kicks him in the TESTICLES and decapitates him and
shoves his head back up his own BUTT.  Vicariously
through KEANU, The AUDIENCE feels very BAD ASS.  They
immediately buy SUNGLASSES and TRENCHCOATS and see if
they can fall backwards in slow motion to dodge BULLETS.

                   FILM CRITICS
         What the hell was all that?  Not only
         was the plot absurd, but it had those
         mindless typical action movie fights.  
         Either I'm an idiot and don't realize
         that this is a scifi ACTION movie or
         the film just plain sucks, now which
         one do you think is right?  Has anyone
         seen the stick I had up my ass? I
         can't find it.

The credits roll.  All of the songs that actually ARE on
the soundtrack are now played.