Humor
"It was this or prison." -- Rob Thomas on choosing a career in rock 'n' roll.

"..and the next day my crew had drawn a chalk outline with tape" Rob on what his crew did when he fell off the stage

"If anyone tells you I'm an asshole, tell them they're right."
- Rob Thomas

"It's reasonable to want to be a policeman, but when you say you want to be a rock star, it's like saying you want to be a princess or a goat or a firetruck. It's not realistic."
- Rob Thomas

"Aww sh...gosh darnit, good golly. And it's not easy being up here and watching your language, I just wanted America to know that."
- Rob Thomas

"A lot of my good qualities come from him. I just don't know him well enough to know which ones."
- Rob Thomas

"If you're in a band and you use the name of the band in a song, you're just a jerk."
- Rob Thomas

"Our reason for living is to rock the universe, that's why we're here."
- Rob Thomas

"Our whole next album is going to be mad, phat rhymes, kickin' hip hop grooves. It'll be exactly the same record, we're just gonna rap it."
- Rob Thomas

"Are any of you from D.C? EWWW!!! Get the hell out of here, you people scare me!"
- Rob Thomas

"Canada is like bizarro world. Everything is the same, like this Wendy's cup except there are these inconspicuous little Canadian flags everywhere you look."
- Rob Thomas

"I'd like to thank my mother for giving birth to me so I can wear tight pants."
- Rob Thomas

"I would just like to say that those little red laser things scare the HELL outta me. I mean, I'm up here trying to sing, and it's like, AAH!...Damn they scare the hell outta me."
- Rob Thomas

Joe: "Duct tape was invented a long time before you were born by somebody really smart. The end"
- News Radio

Beth: "He's probably just having a weird reaction.  I'm sure we all had weird reactions when we found out."
Joe: "I know I did."
Jimmy: "What you'd do?"
Joe: "I went over my parents house at 3 in the morning and climbed into bed with them.I used to do it when I was a kid."
Beth: "That's not so weird."
Joe: "My mom didn't think so, but that was the first time I met her new
husband. He was pretty uptight."
Jimmy: "Nice guy?"
Joe: "Yeah,pretty much.  He snores to much,but I put a stop to that."
- News Radio

Beth: "Dave... Dave, I wish... I wish so hard that you could see yourself the way that we see you... as a ranting... raving... crazy little man with a.... a monkey head!"
- News Radio

Beth: "You know you can't know everybody.  You just can't.  Take that guy for example, he's probably worked here for years.  I've never met him.  Who are
you sir? What goes on in your little world?  What are you doing at my desk?  Hey get off my purse!"
- News Radio

Beth: "Last time I stayed home from work sick, I went out shopping in the rain and I actually got sick.  Isn't that a wierd coincidence?"
- News Radio

"You know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so no one will mess with you?"
- News Radio

Beth: "Well all I did was go for a really long walk."
Jimmy: "Where'd you go?"
Beth: "I don't know... I mean... all over the city, I guess... and then
somehow I ended up standing outside Bill's apartment building and... I wanted to make sure he was... really gone, you know... so I figured out which window was his and then I just started yelling, you know, "BILL, HEY BILL!!!"
Jimmy: "And then what happened?"
Beth: "Well, finally someone opened their window and yelled down, "Shut the hell up you crazy bitch!"
Joe: "That's just what Bill would've done."
Beth: "Yeah, and that just made me think... his spirit lives on in others."
- News Radio

Beth: "This is like the episode of Star Trek where they're in a parallel universe and everything's the same except everyone's on heroin."
- News Radio

Dave: "No I am not paranoid cause I can say without a trace of irony you're all out to get me!"
- News Radio

Dave: "Alright, I take the complaint box very seriously and I seem to be the only one who does."
Bill: "A complaint about the complaint box... delicious."
Dave: "Bill, I'm serious. I am not amused, alright.  I happen to be the one who has to deal with all these complaints no matter how stupid they are."
Beth: "Well Dave, how stupid could they be?"
Dave: "Well, let's have a look here... You Suck... You Suck... Howard Stern Rules... If you can read this you are a dork... Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl... Need more complaint cards... Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a GUY... You will go on a journey happy long time [fortune cookie]... Matthew is a moron... no I'm not... yes you are... no I'm not infinity... yes you are infinity plus one... and this one... I have doobie in my funk (which I assume is from some reference to the Parliament Funkadelic's song Chocolate City... You got peanut butter in my chocolate...
you got chocolate in my peanut butter... together they taste like crap... Matthew has been staring at me all day - - - and I love it... and this one says, "I try to be good hard worker man... but refidgamator so messy - so so messy..."
Lisa: "I think that ones probably from Milos the janitor."
Dave: "Ohhh, oh then that one's legitemate.... uhhh, who's the black private dick the sex machine with all the chicks?..
Staff: "SHAFT!!"
Bill:  "I thought we'd all enjoy that one."
Dave: "and... Help, I'm being held prisoner in in a complaint box. That one is actually pretty funny."
- News Radio

Dave: "I'm Canadian and I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two kids living in New Jersey, and at night I patrol the streets of Gothom City in my customized Davemobile."
- News Radio

Dave: "Wait a minute Joe: If what you`re saying is true.... then I still don`t care."
- News Radio

(From Titanic-like episode. Lisa is hanging on to board in the middle of the
water after the boat sank, and Dave has just "drowned")
Lisa:  (Throws necklace into water)
Dave:  (Popping up) "If you didn't want the damn necklace you shoulda just said so!"
Lisa:  "Dave! I thought you were gone."
Dave: "I very nearly was.  But then I decided no, I'm going to fight."
Lisa: "What gave you the strength?"
Dave:  "There are things in this living world far sweeter than anything the great beyond has to offer us."
Lisa: "Like love?"
Dave:  "I was talking about coffee.  But love's important.   By the way, do you have any?"
Lisa: "Love?"
Dave:  "No,coffee."
Lisa: "No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't."
Dave:  "Oh well then what's the point?" (Goes back under)
- News Radio


"We've got a blind date with destiny: and it looks like she ordered the
lobster."
-Mystery Men

Guy: "I am become Jesus Christ."
Mulder: "I am become skeptical."
-X-Files

Harlan James ((William Hurt)): This is only two hun'erd. We was promised five.
Devo Nod ((River Phoenix)): For killing him five, for wounding him two.
Harlan James: You wanted me to shoot him so I shot him.
Nadja: You woke him up! What good is that?
- From I Love You to Death

"First of all, to understand what happened to Killer, you gotta understand
who Killer the dog *was*. Now Killer was born to a 3-legged bitch of a mother
and he was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's
adopted by this man: Tito Libowitz. He's a small time gun runner, and uh
Rotweiler life promoter. So he puts Killer into training. And they say 'No,
Killer is good. He is damn good'. Then, he had the fight of his life. They
pinned him against his brother Nibbles. And Killer said, 'No, man, that's my
brother- I can't fight Nibbles', and they made him fight anyway. Killer
killed Nibbles. Killer said, 'That's it'. He called off all of his fights,
then he started doing crack and he freaked out. Then in a rage… his heart no
longer beat. Wow."
- Half Baked

"I am driven by the irresistable pleasure I feel in repeating the same
figures over and over."
-M.C. Escher


"Hi. Uh, just, uh, writing a letter to someone in a hospital. Ya know, it's
always hard to find the right words to say, ya know, uh, somehow 'how's the
weather in the hospital? Sure is nice outside' just doesn't work. But ya
gotta try, ya know, ya gotta show your concern. So, uh, here's what I got so
far. 'Dear guy I clothes-lined as you went by on your bike. You don't know
me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone. Now I've asked myself over and
over, 'Why did I clothesline that guy?'. Perhaps I just watched too much
slapstick as kid and I expected you to get up after being violently
assaulted.. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although I was not so
confused that I would actually hang around. In all fairness, it was pretty
funny. I mean, the last thing you would expect as you were riding merrily by
on your bicycle is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his
arm and crush your throat. I mean, you really shoulda seen it, it was just
like 'wham', 'bam'. Anyway. In closing, as you lay there convalescing on your
bed, I'm forced to wonder, 'What were you doing on the sidewalk anyway? Huh,
ya asshole? Side*walk*? Maybe sometimes we bring heart-ache upon ourselves.
Signed, the guy who collapsed your trachea.' Thanks."
- Kids in the Hall

Kevin- "Good evening and welcome to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. Hello, I'm
you host Simon Milligan. For those of you without a brave heart, get up, go
to your television sets and change the station. Go ahead, excersise you right
to be a coward. Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you
who have stayed, look into my face and know to look into my face is to look
into the face of evil. Yes, I am a man posessed by many demons. Polite demons
who would open the door for a lady carrying too many parcels, but demons
nonetheless. Yes, I've walked along the path of evil many times. It's a
twisting, curving path that actually leads to a charming block garden. But
beyond that- evil! And now I'd like to bring on one who could be the spawn of
satan himself: Man servant Hecubis. Good evening Hecubis.Are you ready?"
Dave- "I'm ready to serve you, master. And Satan."
Kevin- "Good- then let the proof of evil begin. Hecubis, pick a card. Pick
any card."
Dave- "No."
Kevin- "Pardon?"
Dave- "No."
Kevin- "Evil. Evil. Impolite and evil. Hecubis, have you seen the movie
Presumed Innocent?"
Dave- "Yes I have, Master, and his wife killed her."
Kevin- "But Hecubis, I haven't seen the movie yet! Evil, evil. It is now time
for the sleep of ages. Sa va la va cu tee. Hecubis, can you hear me?"
Dave- "Yes, Master."
Kevin- "If Hecubis is sleeping, how can he hear me? Maybe because he's…
lying! Dirty dirty liar. Evil evil white boy. He lied he lied he lied."
Dave- "I lied, I lied."
Kevin- "Remember people, do not fear the evil that surrounds you. Do not
avoid the hounds of Hell. Do not avoid the beasts of Brimstone. Do not avoid
the puppies of… pergatory. You must always embrace the hellfire, hellfire,
hellfire. Thank you, goodnight. If you haven't already, please call your mom."
-  Kids in the Hall

"Remy:  I don't believe we ever met, Marko. De name is Gambit!
Juggernaut: That name is almost as dumb as yer accent... How 'bout if I just call ya "LOSER"!"
- Bre's Profile

"What? You want Ben to put his head thru the kit drum? Heads aren't meant for kit drums, kit drums aren't meant for heads. Hats are for heads, heads are for hats. Which would be good if you worked in a hat factory."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"People don't understand sarcasm, like, they take everything too serriously. People need to lighten up and go ice skating."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"Thanks for coming tonight, on a Sunday night. Sixty-Minutes is on and there are probably some good stories you're missing. Thanks for choosing silverchair over Sixty-Minutes."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"Anyone who wants to be in a movie after the show go to the nearest McDonalds because we're going to film a movie. We're going to film a how to purchase a burge movie. It's really good."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"If you own three of our albums you probabl know it. If you own two of our albums there's a 2/3 chance you'll know it. If you own 1 of your albums there's a 1/3 chance you'll know it, and if you don't own any of our albums you probably won't like it."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"Jean- I must confess, infuriating and arrogant as Gambit can be... those eyes, that grin, the body -- it takes a girl's breath away.
Scott (aka Cyclops, aka Jean's b/f)- Oh really? When next the opportunity presents itself... remind me to drop a truck on him.
Xavier- Cyclops.
Scott- A big truck.
Xavier- Cyclops!
Scott- A really big truck."
- Buffy

"Cerebro- Security alert. Sector: Subrqur V
Remy- In English.
Cerebro- That WAS English. "
- X - Men

"Remy- I don't believe we ever met, Marko. De name is Gambit!
Juggernaut: That name is almost as dumb as yer accent... How 'bout if I just call ya "LOSER"!"
- X- Men

"Dude1: Gah! I'm lost in suburbia hell!!!
Dude2: Do know where we're going?
Dude1: How am I supposed to know!? Everything looks the same here! "
- Gone in 60 Seconds (00)

[After making a turn.]
Cop1: That sign said "Do Not Enter."
Cop2: So, ya noticed, huh?
- Gone in 60 Seconds (00)

[On being sensitive]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and shit.
Stifler: I dunno, man, that sounds like a lot of work.
- Unknown

Xavier: Ah, Logan. I'd like you to meet Orono Monroe, also called Storm. This is Scott Summers, also called Cyclops. They saved your life. I believe you already know Dr. Jean Grey. You are in my School for the Gifted for Mutants. You'll be safe here from Magneto.
Wolverine: What's a Magneto?
Xavier: A very powerful mutant. He believes that a war is brewing between mutants and the rest of humanity. I've been following his activities for some time. The man who attacked you is an associate of his called Sabertooth.
Wolverine: Sabertooth? [looks at Storm] Storm. [looks at Xavier] What do they call you? "Wheels"? This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
- X-men

[Kenny asks what he should get to eat.]
Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Haagen-Das ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make smores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny Davis: That's it?
- HalfBaked

Thurgood Jenkins: You have smoked yourself retarded.
- HalfBaked

Kenny Davis: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!
- Unknown

Filipino kid: You are American?
Tourist: No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun.
- Unknown

Gunslinger: I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted and missed it.
- Unknown

McGillicuty: Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team.
Greene: No. I'm a vaudevillian.
McGillicuty: No, I think you manage a baseball team!
Greene: Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team.
McGillicuty: I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays.
Greene: Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base.
McGillicuty: Who's on first base?
Greene: Yes.
McGillicuty: Who?
Greene: Yes, Hu is the man on first base.
McGillicuty: Why are you asking me; I'm asking you! What's the name of the guy on first base?
Greene: No no, Watt is on -- oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions.
McGillicuty: I dunno. [whispers] Third base.
Greene: Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase "Gee, I dunno," but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno.
McGillicuty: That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals.
Greene: What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job.
- Unknown

"Witch: Giants are just like us. Only bigger. Much, much bigger."
- Unknown

"Baker's Wife: She went that way.
Cinderella's Prince: I can capture my own damsel, thank you."
- Unknown

"Prince Charming: I was raised to be charming. Not sincere."
- Unknown

"There are a lot of wankers, and a lot of people who think they are really hardcore and cool but    they're not."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"I've never had a social life, don't ever want one because it's boring."
-Daniel Johns, Silverchair

"It's a little-known fact, but I wanted Han Solo to die at the end of Star Wars: Episode VI. I thought it would give more weight and resonance. But George Lucas wasn't sympathetic. He didn't want me killed by those teddy bear guys."
- Harrison Ford

[To cinema owners in Las Vegas] "I'll make you a deal. I'll try to keep making films that put people in your theatre seats and you try to keep their shoes from sticking to the floor."
- Harrison Ford

"I used to shake my head, as in 'No, I just lok like him.'But that's not fair. So I said to those little old ladies at Treneton airport, 'Yes I am Harrison Ford'. And they still didn't believe it was me".  
- Harrison Ford

On playing Indianna Jones again- "No-one wants to see a hero have to pick a cane to hit someone, but I'm still quite fit enough to fake it."
- Harrison Ford

"Johns: How's it look?
Riddick : Looks clear.
[They step forward, and a creature jumps at them. They fight and kill it.]
Johns : You said it was clear!
Riddick : I said it *looked* clear.
Johns : Well, how does it look now?
Riddick: Looks clear. "
- Pitch Black

"[To shocked passenger, after throwing Bartleby off the train]
Silent Bob: No ticket! "
- Dogma

"Gordie Boggs: Buenos nachos!
Sasha: I didn't know you spoke Spanish.
Gordie Boggs: Yeah, I took it in high school... a bunch of times.
Sasha: Are you fluent?
Gordie Boggs: No, I feel fine. "
- Ready to Rumble

"Ray: Watching television shows doesn't make you violent! *Canceling* television shows makes you violent! "
- Scary Movie

"Coach Johnson : If you moved any slower, you'd be going backwards! "
- North Dallas Forty
(If you know me . . . :D)

Doc: You know what they say: People in glass houses sink ships!
Rocco: I got to buy you a proverb book or something, because this mix 'n' match shit's got to go.
Doc: What?
Conner MacManus: Well, a penny saved is worth two in the bush, right?
Murphy MacManus: And don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen.
- The Boondock  Saints   
   
[A Russian gangster comes into the bar]
Murphy MacManus: So you're Chekov, huh? Well, this here's McCoy. Find a Spock, we got us an away team.   
  - The Boondock Saints   
 
[Picking out weapons and gear]
Conner MacManus: You know what we need? Some rope.
Murphy MacManus: What are you, insane?
Conner MacManus: No, I'm serious. Charlie Bronson's always got a rope. In the movies, they've always got rope and they always end up using it.
Murphy MacManus: That's stupid! Name one fucking thing you're gonna need a rope for.
Conner MacManus: It's not what they need it for, they just always need it.
Murphy MacManus: What's this "they" shit? This isn't the movies.
[Murphy picks up a huge commando knife]
Conner MacManus: Oh, is that right, Rambo?
Murphy MacManus: All right, get your stupid fucking rope.   
  - The Boondock  Saints   

Conner MacManus: We haven't really figured out a system to decide who.
Rocco: Me! I'm the guy! I know everyone! I know their habits, who they hang out with! I got phone numbers, addresses! I know who they're fucking, I know where they live! We could kill EVERYONE.   
 - The Boondock  Saints      

Paul Smecker: So you're telling me it was one guy with six guns, and he was a senior citizen?     
 - The Boondock  Saints     
   
Murphy MacManus: You and your fucking rope.
  - The Boondock  Saints      
   
"If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People." - Bre

"...seems like ANYTHING one says nowadays could have some unnoticed, underlying sexual thrust to it!" - Nate

Dick: (whining after he just found out that his father is the Big Giant Head)
I don't know who I am anymore!
Harry: Well, let's see. You're first name is Dick,
and your new last name is Head...
-  Thrid Rock From the Sun

"If someone makes you mad, just remember, It takes 42 mussles to frown, and only 4 to reach your hand up and B***h-slap that A**hole across the face!"
- Unknown

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges that you asked for in the first place."
- Phil Hartman

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"It vexes me. I'm terribly vexed."
- Gladiator

Marcus Aurelius When was the last time you were home?
Maximus: Two years, two hundred and sixty-four days and this morning.
- Gladiator

"Proximo Those giraffes you sold me,they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me queer giraffes. I want my money back."
- Gladiator

Fraser: She shot me in the hat, Ray.
Ray: She shot you in the hat?
Fraser: I can feel air coming in through the hole.
Ray: She shot you in the hat all right.
Fraser: How does it look?
Ray: Doesn't look good.
Fraser: We'll have to go home and get my other one.
- Due South

"Am I dead?
No, but we could fix that for you"
- Erin's Page

"I'll make you two promises: a very good steak, medium rare, and the
truth, which is very rare."
- Seven Days in May

"This matter is best disposed of from a great height, over water."
- North by Northwest

"There is a leopard on your roof and it's my leopard and I have to
get it and to get it I have to sing."
- Bringing Up Baby

Kat: You are amazingly self-assured, did anyone ever tell you that?
Patrick: I tell myself that everyday.
- 10 Things I Hate About You

"There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo
mallet can't cure."
- Manhattan Murder Mystery

"Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth."
- Daria - '97

"One of the most painful things of the LA Confidential character I played was that the author, James Ellroy, kept telling me that Bud White wasn't a drinker. I said, 'come on, this is 1953. He's a blue-collar bloke, a cop. You're telling me he doesn't sit around with the boys after his shift and have a beer?' And Ellroy says, 'absolutely not.' So for five months and seven days I didn't have a drink. It's probably the most painful period of my life."
- Russell Crowe

[The last man on earth, talking to a bust of Caesar.]
Neville: Hi. Another day, another dollar. Miserable schmuck! SHUT UP! Why the hell can't you leave me alone? What day is it, anyway? Monday? Huh? The hell it is. It's Sunday. Sunday I always dress for dinner.
- The Omega Man
[Talking to his own image on a TV screen]
Robert Neville: Hi, Big Brother, how's your ass?
- The Omega Man

Dutch: I was a med-school senior when they scratched the world. As a matter of fact, I was planning on applying to biowar labs for my post-doc, but, heh-heh, the next term never came.
Robert Neville: Now I'm sorry you didn't make it.
Lisa: Sorry the world didn't make it.
- The Omega Man

[After Neville tosses her a submachine gun]
Lisa: What's this for?
Neville: Comfort.
- The Omega Man

Neville: And Speedy Bob Neville -- his great legs churning goes speeding across the finish line with a three minute and fifty second mile. Go ahead, let's see some son-of-a-bitch beat that.
- The Omega Man

[Going mad.]
Neville: Is this how it starts? A trip to the laughing acadamy? No you silly bastard, it starts with you asking yourself silly questions. Ok, let's get cleaned up.
- The Omega Man

"Definition of a scientist -- A man who understands nothing until there was nothing left to understand."
- The Omega Man

"We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you."
- Dead Poet's Society

Daulton: [answering phone] Welton Academy, hello. Yes he is, hold on. Mr. Nolan, it's for you. It's God. He says we should have girls at Welton.
John Keating: Why do we need language?
Neil Perry : To communicate...
John Keating: Nooo!! To woo women!
- Dead Poet's Society

"If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions."
- Pulp Fiction (1994)

"A little too much bourbon in his bourbon."
- Ravenous

Agent Smith: We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.
Neo: Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call.
- The Matrix

Cypher: I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing.   Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?
- The Matrix

"Some mother----ers are always trying to ice skate uphill."
- Blade

Joxer: I've seen evil and I've changed my ways.
Jet: Bro, if you saw evil, you'd have to change your PANTS.
- Xena
                                
Priestess Leia: You AREN'T virgins?!
Gabrielle: Well, *I* was married at the time.
Priestess Leia: Well, we all have our little EXCUSES, hmm?
- Xena

"Joxer, you can barely kill TIME."
- Xena

Joxer: There's a lot we can learn from each other, you know.
Autolycus: Sure. Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how to disappear without a trace?
- Xena

"I'm not as dumb as he looks."
- Xena

"There's a concept called personal space. Look into it."
- Xena

"My name can't be *that* tough to prounounce"
- Keanu Reeves

[After being stranded on Mars]
Phil Ohlmyer : Phil's not here right now, he left for Earth *FIVE MINUTES AGO*!
- Mission to Mars

Quinn: You guys are stoned out of your minds!
Colin: And you say that as if it's a bad thing!
- Sliders

Missy: Hi, Bill. Hi, Ted. Need a ride?
Bill: Sure, Missy! I mean, Mom.
[She smiles]
Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your step-mom's cute.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshman?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

[Bill thought Ted was killed.]
Bill: Ted, you're alive!
Ted: Yeah, I fell out of my armor when it hit the floor!
[They hug.]
Bill, Ted: [to each other] Fag!
- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Ted: I can't believe your dad's actually going for it in your room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your step-mom is cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when I asked her out to the prom?
Bill: Shut up Ted!!
- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K."
- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Bill S. Preston: Socrates; "The only true wisdom consists of knowing you know nothing".
Ted Logan: That's us, dude!
- Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks."
- Daniel Boone

"I will tell you the truth as soon as I figure it out."
- Wayne Birmingham


(This happened in a crowded shopping mall outside a piano and keyboard shop.)
Chris:"'Intelligent Keyboard' eh? We'll see how intelligent you are. What's my name?" "Uncle"
Ben: (In the goofiest voice I've ever heard): "Billy!"
Chris: WRONG!" *Whack!* (whacks the keyboard)
- Unknown

"I have no idea what you think your talking about."
- Unknown