"Everyone lies, but it doesn't matter.  Nobody listens."

"Biggest security gap - an open mouth."

"Money is just the way we keep score."

"Don't get stuck in a closet... wear yourself out."

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

"A bird in the bush can't relieve itself in your hand."

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."

"Volcano -- a mountain with hiccups."

"Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing."

"To be great is to be misunderstood."

"Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you."

"A thing not worth doing is worth not doing well."

"How you look depends on where you go."

"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity."

"Change your underwear and smell the difference."

"Due to lack of interest, today has been cancelled."

"A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking."

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

"Some call it laziness, I call it deep thought."

"Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest."

"If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it."

"The future isn't what it used to be.  It never was."

"When you stop to think, don't forget to start again."

"Never trust a smiling supervisor."

"Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac."

"Drugs are for people who can't handle reality."

"In case of doubt, make it sound convincing."

"If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries."

"Nothing is foolproof...fools are very clever."

"Walk softly and carry a big stick. -- Theodore Roosevelt"

"A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity."

"Two rights make an airplane."

"If at first you don't succeed, f*#! it!"

"Love at first sight never happens before breakfast"

"I love making's people I can't stand! -- Linus"

"Adam was the world's most lucky man: he had no mother-in-law."

"An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult."

"Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop."

"A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago."

"A sinning man wil stop praying. A praying man wil stop sinning"

"Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot."

"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."

"Dieting is wishful shrinking"

"Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get"

"Everybody has a photographic memory. . . . Some don't have film"

"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs"

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something."